In count of three

 there are a lot of things that i wishes i can say out loud

day 1 of being at home pregnant, without my husband. i know mum and dad has been through some health hardships in life and dad is still in denial phase. the relationship between us has not been that good. we are rarely spoken and that’s pretty disappointing and sad at the same time. 

while me, since i’ve gotten back home i haven’t been my best either. i’m entering a new, unfamilar phase i should expect myself into. i wanna leave, but i was expected to be in this. i am not ready. i have not prepared myself enough.

things im grateful for:- 

1. my husband. my sweet sweet husband. i cant take him enough for entering my life. the saying ‘he brings out the worst and the best in me’ never hit harder than this. people loves me because of his presence, i can never be enough without him. 
2. my in-laws family. knowing how dramatic malay’s family can be, i am truly grateful for this one. allah really sent me a real one. it’s not perfect, but we’re working our way there inshallah. 
3. my external family in laws. the moment ibu said ‘ibu saayang aida’ man almost got me shed my tears there. I really don’t know what i deserve to be treated preciously like this. 

these writings kinda put my feelings into place, rather than just floating somewhere in my brain. Maybe it’s because i dont really expresses myself these days, not to anyone. i miss me. but i know i am not my whole when im alone, if that makes sense. 

i am still worried about how my family gonna turn out, and i also cannot whine about how this challenges bother me as mum and tini has to face this harder. i can only pray, wishing for a miracle. i should try to be a better me. bcs at the end of the day, it’s their redha that blesses me along the way. i shall keep that in mind, all the time. 

lastly, i hope they live long enough to watch my kids grow. things would be better by then, i believe. 

June 2021

And fast forward, I'm 24 now. Effing 24???? *how did I get older without an inch of maturity rising inside of me?!* And surprised, I'm still here in the land down under. I truly miss my parents and sister, as well as the years I could have spent with them. But, dear younger me, we're still in the grip of a pandemic, and Malaysia isn't progressing any better. Well updates, got a new better job and done my interview for the permanent position last week. I'm crossing my fingers that I got it; I'm not hoping for it, but if I get it, it'll be a savior in my life. I'm still hoping to get a permanent job in my industry just to make sure I can do it. I did *sorta* well in my studies, so I guess it'll be a waste if I can't do something with it, just my two cents.

I just want to say that writing this has made me feel a lot better. It's difficult to find someone to talk to these days, or perhaps I'm just not good at keeping friends close to me. I was miserable these days, cooped up with emotions, and I let it overwhelm me. 'Treat yourself like someone you love,' that's when I realized I hadn't been taking care of myself properly. Or, to put it another way, I did not love myself as much as I did others. I'm seeing myself through the eyes of others; I despise it when others define me, but I'm defining myself based on the opinions of others. I'm not sure if this made sense, but it made me feel bad. I'm not sure where to go or where to begin.

2021 has been calmly intriguing and midyear now, I've witnessed death and also near marriage (proposal) of close friends. Dear blog, I don't know what else to say.. I wish these tears could have typed it for me. I'm still miserable. Please, do pray for my mental health. And here's 🍸 to my 20th day of sobrierity. 

xoxo, A