there are a lot of things that i wishes i can say out loud
day 1 of being at home pregnant, without my husband. i know mum and dad has been through some health hardships in life and dad is still in denial phase. the relationship between us has not been that good. we are rarely spoken and that’s pretty disappointing and sad at the same time.
while me, since i’ve gotten back home i haven’t been my best either. i’m entering a new, unfamilar phase i should expect myself into. i wanna leave, but i was expected to be in this. i am not ready. i have not prepared myself enough.
things im grateful for:-
- my husband. my sweet sweet husband. i cant take him enough for entering my life. the saying ‘he brings out the worst and the best in me’ never hit harder than this. people loves me because of his presence, i can never be enough without him.
- my in-laws family. knowing how dramatic malay’s family can be, i am truly grateful for this one. allah really sent me a real one. it’s not perfect, but we’re working our way there inshallah.
- my external family in laws. the moment ibu said ‘ibu saayang aida’ man almost got me shed my tears there. I really don’t know what i deserve to be treated preciously like this.
these writings kinda put my feelings into place, rather than just floating somewhere in my brain. Maybe it’s because i dont really expresses myself these days, not to anyone. i miss me. but i know i am not my whole when im alone, if that makes sense.
i am still worried about how my family gonna turn out, and i also cannot whine about how this challenges bother me as mum and tini has to face this harder. i can only pray, wishing for a miracle. i should try to be a better me. bcs at the end of the day, it’s their redha that blesses me along the way. i shall keep that in mind, all the time.
lastly, i hope they live long enough to watch my kids grow. things would be better by then, i believe.
